Masturbation is great for relationships in creating healthy independence and as a valid form of self care away from the expectations of a partner.
There’s a myth circulating around in the marriage spaces that says that if your partner is masturbating in the partnership, that it means that they’re “not loyal” or that they are “cheating”. This might be true in some cases, especially when there’s a lack of transparency, honest communication, or even having the result of shame/fear of being reprimanded for telling the truth about sexual desires is prominent in the relationship dynamics.
But I think this is also under the notion or idea that the diverse needs of our human nature can be met by only ONE individual. And I’m not going to argue with you if you believe otherwise. I’m genuinely bi-sexual and am someone who considers lots of individuals attractive – I mean, it’s funny how many times I do double takes when I see a beautiful woman walking down the street LOL. This doesn’t mean that I’ll sleep with just anyone or everyone – I have standards and don’t need to be taste testing every type of person (been there; done that!). I’m someone who believes that you can be monogamous and still have attraction for others in life without having to go out and explore those connections.
Anyway back to the point, what I’m wanting to express is that masturbation is healthy for relationships because it’s a form of healthy sexual independence.
What is healthy sexual independence? It’s when an individual dedicates solo time to connect to their own individual needs without the entanglements and co-dependance of a partner to fulfill that responsibility.
Doing this alleviates a lot of pressure and expectation within a relationship and can actually alleviate the likelihood of a partner making the mistake of cheating within the relationship with another person.
Sometimes the sexual needs within your partner are going to be different than yours, so it’s honestly not going to be helpful for a relationship to punish your partner for wanting to masturbate without you. It’s a natural & basic human function and need.
And from personal experience, enabling spaces within your relationship for both persons to have a personal relationship to their own sexuality without it being linked to their partner creates a juicy polarity; a type of magnetism that kindles passion in relationships because there’s enough “space” in the relationship to want to “crave” the other person.
Your sexual chemistry is more likely to feel stalemated over time with each other when you don’t create sexual independence and diversity in your dynamic together, and craving is more likely to happen when you’ve created a dynamic in the relationship from a healthy amount of space and independence from each other sexually. This is also more likely to stimulate you both to recognize and remember aspects about each other that you initially found attractive and enticing because there’s a reawakening of allure & curiosity.
So all in all, it is my belief that masturbation is actually healthy and is a great self care practice (when done with mindfulness) and is more of a preventative to cheating. The difference for me when it isn’t healthy is when masturbation turns into an escape or outlet to ignore your partner’s or relationships needs in order to bypass responsibility. If this is the case, then it’s best to seek some form of couples relationship coaching or therapy. If you want recommendations, then feel free to reach out via my contact form and I’m happy to offer references.
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