Anal sex has soooo many benefits in expanding your experiences for sexual pleasure, but just like whiskey, it’s not everyone’s style. If this is something you are wanting to explore doing with yourself or with a partner, then make sure to check out these important tips for getting started.
When I was younger, I started having anal sex to appease my lover’s desires, and it was for the most part quite painful because I had overridden a lot of my own personal boundaries in order to come across as more appealing to my partner. Later on, I then had dated a gentleman that was more experienced in years and in anal penetration, and he had guided the whole experience in a way that didn’t feel painful at all – and even to the point where I had one of the most AMAZING orgasms! I was impressed.
So many years later, and after some more painful anal experiences alongside being certified as a sexological bodyworker, I wanted to share some personal insights to making sure that others are set up for having a great anal sex experience.
1. Use lots of lubrication before and during anal sex. The skin tissues inside the anus are delicate and are more prone to microtears or more invasive issues that can lead to prolonged painful experiences; like haemorrhoids or fissures. It’s extremely important to use more than what you think you need in this regard and to check in with your partner on if they are needing more lubrication. It’s better to be safe than sorry when it comes to anal sex because anal sex shouldn’t ever feel painful, and if your first experiences end up feeling less enjoyable than it is enjoyable it could damage your partner’s desire to ever want to experience it again.
Also there is something else I was to comment on about this topic around SEXUAL HEALTH, because I was watching some porn the other night and they showed the person pouring oil onto the anus that THEN dripped into/on the pussy of the person receiving – and this is actually the WRONG way to pour oil on the genital area for women’s bodies. Now obviously, it was porn, so the performers probably did an enema beforehand. But the reason why you should never pour onto the anus and have it drip to the front is because the anus has lots of micro bacterias that can cause infections for women vaginally. It’s the same for women when they got to the toilet, the direction they wipe is not back-to-front, it’s always FRONT-TO-BACK. Always put a towel covering the pussy or make sure the oil doesn’t drip from ASS to PUSSY if you’re going to pouring oil around the anus.
2. Warm up the tissues in the surrounding area. In sexological bodywork, we call this process – waking up the neighbourhood! Beginning to have any anal sex experience can be very intimidating. It’s very important to make sure that the body is warmed and prepped to receive any kind of internal penetration, so when you begin your anal sex experience, begin by massaging and relaxing the tissues and muscles surrounding the anus. This will make it more likely that the person receiving will feel safe in their nervous system to trust you in their care.
3. Prepare the space for a relaxing experience where you feel an internal sense of safety. Part of the reason that someone might feel tense during this experience is that they need a more relaxing setting. A great tip is to make sure to set the tone for your experience for it to be relaxing not only in the schedule but in the physical environment. Try your best to set enough time ahead in the schedule to take your time and not book appointments for afterwards so that you have to rush into something right after. You never know how the experience is going to impact you emotionally.
4. Start small. Now I know size is subjective and that this seems like common sense, lol. I told an ex boyfriend that I’d be open to exploring anal sex together with a toy, and so he bought one of the thickest butt plugs in the shop – my jaw dropped.
Sooooo, for clarification, it’s safe to say that starting off with one finger is a great place to start for anybody! When the body has acclimated to that size, then start moving your way up the scale.
5. Start small for a prolonged state of time. It can take up to 1 year or more for some people to begin being ready to receive larger/thicker amounts or ANY form of anal stimulation. It’s difficult to know how someone’s nervous system can process new
experiences, especially experiences that involve sexuality. It’s so valuable to be aware that someone (especially if the have had past trauma), to go extra slow in any kind of sexual “goals”. Don’t rush in this experience, and learn to cultivate patience for beginning having anal sex with a partner.
6. Take your time. Go extra slowwwww, and even slower than what you think is slow when beginning to penetrate. If you notice the partner receiving is holding their breath, then this is an indicator that they are not relaxed enough and can sometimes be in an anxious nervous system state which is more likely to trigger a fight/flight response in the nervous system. By being aware of your breath, you can use the inhalation and exhalation of your breath to safely and in a more relaxing way receive anal penetration. It also helps pace you so that you don’t override boundaries.
7. Never include shaming, emotional teasing, or guilting your partner for where they’re at in their anal sexual journey. Just like bullying, these kinds of experiences can result in lifelong inhibitions, insecurities, and emotional traumas. Cultivating a compassionate and non judgemental space within your relationship, dating experiences, or within the moment of anal sex is vital for someone’s nervous system feeling a sense of safety to dive deeper into areas of sexual exploration.
8. Communicate always what you’re experiencing and what your needs are. There are so many practices to enhance better communication between partners or for your sexual experiences, and the majority of society is lacking these skills. Make sure to communicate beforehand and during to make sure your partner’s needs are being met and that they have a great time. Minimise your attachments & goals for a certain result in the experience, and create room to be present and compassionate with wherever the person’s body is at in the moment. If you’d like to improve your communication so that your sexual partners have amazing experiences then contact me for 1:1 sessions, I’d be happy to help you with this. BONUS TIP: if you’re someone who has the “poop fear” (aversion to anus smells or contents of the anus), or fears the spread of bacteria while having anal sex, then I highly recommend familiarising yourself with enemas. Enemas are a great way to clear away the anal passage for a great anal sex experience!
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